


transmission

by a_chilleus (orphan_account)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Car Accidents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FTM Tyler, Graphic descriptions of violence, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Tyler - Freeform, no actual violence though, no one actually dies or attempts to but it's mentioned a few times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 05:03:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7253536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/a_chilleus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler hates long car journeys, and he hates his brain.</p><p>This is a vent fic, I'm projecting my anxiety on Tyler. Sorry dude. It's mostly fluff really but Tyler's thought process is kind of violent and graphic so be careful if it's going to be an issue for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	transmission

Tyler sits in the back of his parents’ car, headphones in, ignoring his siblings’ petty arguments and his parents’ discussions and the radio. He looks out the window, watching the other cars on the highway pass in a blur, headlights creating lines of red and yellow against the darkness. He hated these long journeys back from his grandparents’ house that lasted well into the night and, if the traffic was bad, sometimes into the early morning. He knew his parents found them tiring and his siblings found them dull, it was when arguments tended to start and his phone would run out of battery so he couldn’t play music. But it was worse than that for him, there was something else, something wrong with him that made this so much more difficult than he presumed it was for his family.

“Shoot!” his dad muttered, “why the heck would you do that? That guy could see I was trying to get through and he- whatever, it’s fine, no one was hurt, it was just close.” Tyler turned up his music until he couldn’t hear his dad any more. He felt guilty, not wanting to be rude, but… they’d nearly crashed. He knew, logically, it was fine. They hadn’t crashed, they’d barely really come close to it. Then again, they could have. Tyler shut his eyes, trying to ignore the images that his brain kept creating- cars colliding, a domino effect that culminated in a pile of flipped vehicles. Flames, blood, the crack of bones, screaming… he shook his head, and felt a poke at his side- he met eyes with Zack, who gave him a questioning look, so he tried to smile and then looked back out of the window, trying to reassure himself that everything was fine, that they were moving steadily along and no cars had crashed and soon enough they’d be home again.

“Hey, mom?” he removed his headphones, “how long ‘til we get back?”

“About an hour, I think,” she replied, “and can you turn down your music honey? I can hear it through your headphones.”

“Yeah, sorry,” he replaced his headphones and turned down the music, staring out the window again. The dull hum of the radio filtered through the song; Tyler could make out the odd word. Something about sports. And now, the weather. His dad changed the channels, flipping through stations, _“new song by” “accident on the” “collision killing three childr"-_  Tyler took a deep breath in, turning up his music as much as he hoped he could get away with, flicking his elastic band on his wrist, focusing on his breathing like Josh had told him to.

_I am eighteen years old, I shouldn’t be worrying like this. Four seconds in, four seconds hold, six seconds out. I am basically an adult, I’m going to have to learn to drive one day, what if- no. No. Stop._

He shut his eyes and leaned back against the car seat, hoping he just looked like he was sleeping, and counted his breaths. He tried to sing along in his head to his music, but all he could hear was the sound of his sister crying and his mother screaming and an ambulance siren and he knew it was all in his head, he knew it wouldn’t happen, but the sound of snapping fingers and a throat choking on blood and then Would it end quietly? If they hit another car and he was slammed against the seat in front of him and the glass from a shattered window pierced his neck, would he die immediately? Or would he be in pain for hours? He tried not to imagine lying there, feeling his life slowly leaving him. Would he go to heaven? He really didn’t know. He wanted to think he would but maybe that was really arrogant of himself to assume he was good enough. He tried not to imagine hearing his heart stopping, the blood rushing through his body and then stopping. Was that even realistic? He didn’t know. What if there was no afterlife? What if they were hit by a car right now and he just. Stopped. Eternal nothingness. Not even emptiness, just literally nothing. No, that’s blasphemy, he can’t doubt- but what if? He could feel his heart racing and he forced himself to keep breathing- how had he forgotten that? He as failing, he wasn’t doing what Josh had said to do when he started to panic, stupid stupid stupid. He counted in for four and out for six but it was more like three and then two and then he just held his breath, giving up completely. He could text Josh, that would help, but Josh was probably busy and wouldn’t want to be bothered by this pathetic anxiety. It was silly. Josh had better things to do than keep helping Tyler whenever he couldn’t control his own stupid brain. Why did he keep thinking about death? Did he secretly want it? Whenever he wanted escape from his life, was this what he secretly wanted- the secret kept even from himself, not trusting himself not to- no, that can’t be right, he’d know if he was suicidal. But what if?

Another poke at his side. He removed his headphones, opened his eyes, and kept trying to breathe, hoping it wasn’t too obvious. Zack caught his eye again. Another questioning look, and Tyler nodded and smiled but it might have been more of a grimace. Zack went back to texting, or at least Tyler assumed that was what he was doing until he felt another poke and Zack held up his phone, showing the notes app. [is it anxiety? Don’t ask how I know about that, I know you don’t want us to know, but I can tell, someone at school has it and also I overheard you mention it to Josh] Tyler could hardly focus on the words to read them but he managed and he sighed and he opened the notes app on his own phone and typed [yeah sort of but don’t worry ok it’s not that bad] and held it up to Zack.

“What are you boys doing?” his mom asked, turning round to smile confusedly at them.

“Nothing mom,” Zack smirked, “just talking about you behind your back.” His mom just laughed and turned back to talk to his dad.

[you should loosen your binder if you’re struggling to breathe]

[im ok]

“Mom, can we stop somewhere. I need the toilet,” Zack said.

“We’re almost home, Zack,” his mom said, “you can hold on twenty minutes.”

[sorry mate, I tried. Please take off your binder as soon as we’re out of the car though. And text josh]

[thanks for trying but honestly im fine]

Zack raised an eyebrow, but turned back to talk to his sister. Tyler went back to his music. The distraction had allowed his body to calm down a little but he could still feel the pressure on his chest and he knew it wasn’t just from the binder. He forced himself to listen to his music and he did as Zack had suggested, sending a quick text to Josh.

_Hey dude you busy?_

_No, what’s up?_

_Wait are you on your way home now?_

_Yeah_

_Dude you’re fine you’re not going to crash I promise_

How did he know? Tyler almost managed to smile.

_I know that logically_

_Not that simple, I know, I get it._

_When do you get home?_

_Like fifteen minutes now I think_

_I’ll be at yours when you get back_

_You don’t have to_

_Dude. You’re my best fren._

Tyler didn’t reply, just rested his head against the cold glass of the car window and kept snapping the elastic band on his wrist. He could feel a bruise forming so he knew he should probably stop before someone noticed, but suddenly the car swerved again and he felt his stomach lurch and he screwed his eyes shut and tried not to listen to the crunch of bones and the smashing of glass and he knew it was all in his head, he knew it wasn’t real, but what if he died what if they all died what if he was the only one to survive and he had to watch his siblings being pulled out of the wreckage all bloody and mangled and his mother’s skull smashed in and his father’s wrists bent back the wrong way and

“Tyler! We’re home!” he removed his headphones as he realised his brother was talking to him, not sure how many times his name must have been repeated. He forced a smile but couldn’t look at Zack without seeing blood pouring from gouged out eyes and a gash across his forehead that he knew weren’t really there. He got out of the car and saw Josh helping his parents unload the car, and he started over to try to help but his mother stopped him.

“Josh arrived just before we did, he wanted your help with a music project or something, is that right Josh?”

“Yeah Mrs Joseph, can we go upstairs to work on it? I’ll help unload the car while Tyler goes to get our notes?”

“Oh Josh, neither of you need to help, it’s fine. Thank you so much for offering. Go ahead, you can stay for dinner if you like.”

Tyler couldn’t look Josh in the eye, panic still clouding his vision. He clenched and unclenched his fists as he hurried upstairs to his room, locking the door as soon as Josh was inside with him, and he found himself pacing and then

“Ty?”

He stopped, and looked at Josh. Tried not to see red around his neck. Tried not to imagine his chest sliced open.

“Ty! Jeez, it’s really bad this time, isn’t it?” Josh slowly walked over to Tyler, who scratched at his arms and tried to breathe evenly and tried not to think and tried and tried and then Josh’s arms were outstretched, he met his eyes and Josh gave a questioning look and Tyler nodded, unable to speak but giving permission for Josh to touch him. And then he was safe, or safer than before, with his best friend’s arms around him, warm and strong.

“Dude, are you still wearing your binder? You are, I can feel it. God, no wonder you’re hyperventilating. You need to take that thing off.” Josh released Tyler, who collapsed against his wall and sat down on the floor, shaking his head.

“I know, I know, but I swear I won’t look at your chest,” Josh whispered, “you’re not any less of a man if you take it off.”

Tyler gave up. He was so tired. He slumped against the wall, allowing Josh to help him out of his shirt and binder, immediately bringing his knees up to his chest once he was exposed. Josh took a hoodie from Tyler’s wardrobe and handed it over, and Tyler quickly hid himself again. Josh pulled Tyler up and led him over to the bed, and they both sat down. Josh pulled Tyler against him, and dragged the duvet over both of them.

“You’re safe, ok?” Josh whispered.

“Why did you come?” Tyler croaked out, trying to hold back tears.

“You’re my best friend, and I want you to be ok,” Josh looked him straight in the eyes, “I know how bad this gets- don’t forget I used to deal with this shit too, I still do, and you always help me. I know this is terrifying for you and I know how you instinctively try to cope. You’re my best friend, Tyler.”

“I thought…” Tyler trailed off, unsure if he wanted to tell Josh what he was panicking about, but his friend nodded encouragingly and held him tighter, so he tried again, “I thought the car was going to crash and… and I know it’s stupid because dad always drives safely but what if he crashed and my whole family died and I kept seeing them all dead and I could hear it and I just- what if I secretly want that what if I’m suicidal I don’t want to die but I do want to escape why do I think about this stuff so much why do I think about death all the time Josh? And I could see you all mangled and dead as well even though you weren’t even in the car and-”

“Hey, you’re ok,” Josh wiped away tears that Tyler hadn’t even realised were falling, “breathe ok? With me. Here, put your head on my chest,” he positioned Tyler so that he could feel his chest rising and falling, “breathe with me, in and out.”

“Sorry.”

“Ty, you don’t have to be sorry. Everything is fine. This isn’t your fault. And look, you’re alive. I’ve alive, your family are all alive. We can go prove it if you want, when you’ve calmed down. No one was hurt. There was no car crash, and there won’t be. And- I don’t think you’re suicidal. Wanting to escape isn’t the same as wanting to die, ok? And if you were suicidal, that wouldn’t be your fault. I’d be devastated because I don’t want to lose you, but we could fix that, ok?”

Josh ran his fingers through Tyler’s hair as his sobs died down, listening to his breathing start to even out. He kept one hand on his friend’s back, rubbing in circles firmly. The warmth of his hands steadied Tyler, kept him grounded. He pulled the elastic band off his wrist and dropped it on the floor next to the bed.

“You’re ok,” Josh whispered, “You’re ok, I promise. Your family are all fine, I’m fine, you’re not crazy. Everything will be ok.”

“Thanks Josh,” Tyler sighed, just about managing to smile. Josh just smiled back, and held him tighter.


End file.
